Posted 6/6/06

Sports Suck

Alright, after watching the greatest spectacle in racing with a blood alcohol content higher than my college GPA, I’ve realized ten things about the Indy 500.
10. A woman will never win this race. Then again, a woman can’t throw a baseball without looking like she’s swatting at a swarm of bees.
9. There are more cars in the field than people with a full row of teeth in the stands.
8. When you leave a race, you feel like racing yourself. They should make another race after the Indy 500 which they call the 1995 Mazda 323 challenge. This is where anyone with a car with a value under $2000 can race in. The only rule: There are no rules in the 1995 Mazda 323 challenge.
7. Danica Patrick’s cockpit must smell like sardines in a furnace.
6. When you’re drunk, those cars are going really fucking fast.
5. 90% of the people at the race are there to see a crash. The other 10% are there to see a really really big crash.
4. Nobody has ever met, “that special someone” in the infield in turn four.
3. The race would be a lot more interesting if it had a 200 mph figure 8.
2. If you had to be treated for heat illness, you didn’t drink enough cold beer.
1. The Andretti’s will win the Indy 500 in the same year that:
a. The Arizona Cardinals win the Super Bowl.
b. The Chicago Cubs win the World Series.
c. The Duke Lacrosse team captain wins, “Man of the Year”.
d. People care about the WNBA.
e. The Detroit Lions have a good draft.
f. Bryant Gumbel is considered black.
g. Dick Vitale doesn’t call a Duke basketball game for one week.
h. Shaq fouls out.
i. Kobe passes the freakin’ ball.
j. Nobody complains about the BCS.
k. The quarterback rating system in the NFL makes sense.
l. I stop laughing at the special Olympics.