Posted 6/1/07

Sports Suck

New England Patriots player Marquise Hill’s body was found Monday after a jet ski accident on Lake Pontchartrain where he and a female companion were vacationing. The accident occurred and the female was able to hold onto a pylon until rescued, but Hill was swept away by the current. Had the player played for…
1. …the Cleveland Browns, the Coast Guard wouldn’t even had bothered to look.
2. …the New York Giants, the New York fans would have been mad that he hadn’t been replaced on the jet ski earlier in the season.
3. …the Arizona Cardinals, the owners would have decided to hire a new coach.
4. …the Cincinnati Bengals, the player would have probably been beating the girl at the time of the wreck.
5. …the Oakland Raiders, the wreck would have been a perfect metaphor for last season.

The family of slain Miami Hurricane player, Bryan Pata, will get $2 million dollars from an insurance company that represents the apartment complex. They came up with the $2 million figure because it’s half of what the Hurricanes pay their players.

Middle Tennessee won the men’s tennis doubles title and North Carolina beat William & Mary to win the women’s doubles title. In other news…nobody gives a shit.

MacKinzie Kline is a 15 year old girl who was born with a heart defect, a transverse liver, and no spleen, and will be the first female who will be permitted to ride a golf cart on the LPGA. The decision was made that the cart would not give her an unfair advantage. The hardest decision of the day was determining how to get the smell out of the golf cart.

Barry Bonds is approaching the home run record by Hank Aaron, and has said that he may keep his souvenirs and not give them to the baseball Hall of Fame. Just like George Bush, Bonds has absolutely no plan of attack.